Chapter 20 – Being an Author is a High Risk Occupation

Previous Chapter      Table of Contents      Next Chapter

Even though he now knew his true identity was a divine beast and not a Firewood Cat, it didn’t make much of a difference to Pei Bufan. The only distinction was that if he failed a mission, he would go from being a hairless Firewood Cat to a hairless divine Nether Cat…

Damn it! Just thinking about it made him want to rage!!

“What’s your name, little guy?” Perhaps because it was rare to meet a kinsman, the Nine-Tailed Cat youth’s attitude toward Pei Bufan was extremely warm. “My name is Lan Lin,¹ you can also call me Little Uncle~~”

“Pei Bufan.” Faced with a tender-looking face that seemed no older than seventeen or eighteen, Pei Bufan, who had lived for over twenty years in his past life, really couldn’t bring himself to say the word ‘uncle.’ It felt too weird.

“Oh oh~~ Little Fan~~ Are you here at the Tianwu Sect to become a disciple?”

Pei Bufan nodded.

“So, you and that man, how far have you gone?” Lan Lin leaned in close, asking in a very gossipy tone. “Have you done the deed? Signed a contract yet? What kind of contract?”

“…” Not only a money-grubber, but a gossip-monger too!

“Hurry up and tell me!!” Lan Lin raised an eyebrow. “I know the Sect Master of the Tianwu Sect, you know. If you want to join directly, I can help you use the back door!”²

Pei Bufan’s eyes lit up. One had to know, the Tianwu Sect revered violence and respected martial prowess. Their so-called selection process was very direct: win, and you become an inner disciple; lose, and you’re an outer disciple. To put it bluntly, an outer disciple was just a handyman in name only. Whether you had signed a contract or not, if you wanted to leave after entering, you first had to complete three years of hard labor! If he didn’t want to be a laborer, he had to get into the inner sect. The reason Pei Bufan was so eager was precisely for the inner sect. Although he could spit Nether Fire, to be honest, he really didn’t have much confidence in his own fighting ability.

Only an idiot³ would refuse a simple and convenient back door!

“He doesn’t know I can shapeshift yet. We just have a normal master-and-pet relationship, and we haven’t signed a contract,” Pei Bufan answered honestly.

Lan Lin clicked his tongue. “As expected, a fool. Treating a pearl like a fish eye.⁴ But…” His tone shifted, and Lan Lin’s eyes brightened slightly. “If you’re not interested in him, how about you let me have a go?” He had a friend who was a fox demon, and thanks to that fox demon’s shamelessness, Lan Lin also knew a thing or two about dual cultivation.⁵ That’s why he was so willing to sell his body to earn Spirit Stones. Although, that man’s cultivation level didn’t seem very high… But since his primordial yang⁶ was still intact, he wouldn’t be picky. It was a great tonic!

Glancing at Pei Bufan, Lan Lin waved his hand again. “Forget it, I’ll leave him for you. Let me tell you, there’s a bonus effect when a demon cultivator and their contracted master dual cultivate. What’s more, you have the dark attribute. The dark attribute belongs to Yin, so you’re compatible with men of any attribute~~ Unlike us Nine-Tailed Cats, we’re all metal attribute… Hey, the two of us are also compatible, wanna have a go at it?”⁷

Forcing back the “Okay” that almost slipped out, Pei Bufan told himself that right now, the mission was more important than getting laid, ahhh!

“Is it true that you can help me get into the Tianwu Sect?”

“Call me Uncle!”

“Uh…”

“Hurry up!!”

“…Uncle.” This is all for the mission!

“Good boy~~~” A look of immense satisfaction appeared on Lan Lin’s face. After living for over 200 years, there was finally a junior in the cat clan who was younger than him!!!

“Alright, I’ll take you to see the Sect Master.” Lan Lin put away his abacus and poked his head out the window. “Zhuo Hua? Zhuo Hua!! Stop sleeping and get up!! Don’t you want this month’s Spirit Stones??”

Pei Bufan followed his gaze and saw a giant peach tree next to the door. Hearing Lan Lin’s shout, the tree stretched upwards as if yawning, then slowly bent its thick trunk, poking a few branches through the window.

“What is it?” a soft, beautiful female voice asked, sounding slightly familiar.

“I’m taking my nephew to visit the Sect Master. You watch the shop for me.”

“Tch, I was sleeping so comfortably.” The tree flashed and transformed into a bewitching woman. She sauntered into the inn, and the moment she saw Pei Bufan, her eyes went wide. She pointed at him, both angry and furious. “It’s you!!”

Pei Bufan’s mouth twitched. It was that strange woman from the registration day who kept pulling down her clothes.

“You two know each other?” Lan Lin looked at Zhuo Hua, then at Pei Bufan.

“We’ve only met once,” Zhuo Hua huffed. “Don’t just assume every cat-form is your nephew. Who knows where he came from.”

“He’s a Nether Cat, I’m sure of it.” Lan Lin took Pei Bufan’s hand and stepped out of the inn. “I’ll be back in a while. I’m counting on you to watch the shop.”

Zhuo Hua stared blankly as the two left hand-in-hand. Only after a long moment did she exclaim, “No way!!”

In this world, status was often determined by the height at which one lived. The Valley Master of Sword Immortal Valley lived on the highest peak in the valley. The Sect Master of the Tianwu Sect lived on the summit of the snowy mountain.

Dear,⁸ how have you not been frozen into impotence?!

Worried that his newly-found little nephew would freeze to death in the cold wind, Lan Lin transformed into his original form. The massive Nine-Tailed Spirit Cat stood three meters tall. The fangs in his mouth gleamed with a cold light, and it was clear at a glance that his combat power was definitely not weak. Huge bone spikes grew from his back. The image of a small, soft creature in people’s minds was nothing but a fantasy!

This kind of domineering cat form is what I, the Emperor, should be like!
The truly-small-and-soft-in-his-original-form Nether Cat, Pei Bufan, fantasized about his future appearance, drooling.

“Get on.” Lan Lin, not understanding Pei Bufan’s train of thought, thought he was just scared by his size and thoughtfully lay down. “The fur on my neck is thick. Burrow in there, and don’t come out until I call you.”

Pei Bufan obediently climbed up and burrowed in. To Pei Bufan in his original form, the soft fur was like a cat’s jungle. He felt like he was tumbling around for a long time before finally coming to a stop.

“Lan Lin pays his respects to the Sect Master.”

“Enter.”

Pei Bufan only heard those two sentences. Then, the sunlight that had been filtering through the fur disappeared, and he could feel they had entered a room.

“What is it?” a deep voice rumbled like the low growl of a dragon.

“Master, stop pretending in front of me. Come on out,” Lan Lin sighed and shook his body. “Little Fan, you can come out too.”

“Tch.” The low growl vanished, replaced by a slightly childish voice. A long-haired little boy⁹ slowly sauntered out from behind the main hall. “What business do you have with This Lord?¹⁰ Didn’t I say not to disturb me unless it was important?!”

The little shota was very angry.

“Master, my nephew requests that you take him as a disciple.”

“Who do you think This Lord is? Do you think I’ll take any random cat or dog that comes along?” The shota stomped his foot in anger, but when his eyes landed on Pei Bufan, they widened. “This! This couldn’t possibly be… a Nether Cat?”

Lan Lin nodded.

“Well done!! I’ll mark this as a first-class merit for you!!” The scowling shota’s face instantly broke into a wide smile. He beckoned to Pei Bufan. “Come, come, my little darling, come here and let This Lord have a look~~”

Pei Bufan shivered and slowly backed away. Why did he feel like he’d been tricked?

Was this slightly effeminate-looking little shota really the legendary mighty being of the Tianwu Sect who could split a mountain range with a single axe blow?!

“Ahem.” The little shota noticed his own loss of composure and gave an awkward cough. He then slowly walked to the central seat and struggled to climb onto it.

Pei Bufan watched as the shota slid off three times before finally managing to sit securely, though his little feet still couldn’t touch the ground. “…”

“Master isn’t usually like this,” Lan Lin explained, also feeling that this display was rather embarrassing for the sect. “A while ago, he went to sneak some of the Hunyuan Sect’s pills. Master does this often, so the Hunyuan Sect deliberately mixed a Reversion-to-Childhood Pill into the good ones. Master couldn’t tell the difference and fell for it. Don’t worry, he’ll be back to normal in a few days.”

The Shota Sect Master: Life is hard, don’t expose me, you bastard!!¹¹ Wouldn’t it have been fine to just say I ate the wrong pill? Why did you have to explain so much?? Now I look like an idiot!! The Hunyuan Sect refines so many pills a day, it’s a waste if they can’t finish them. What’s wrong with me helping them eat a few!!

The Valley Master of Sword Immortal Valley was a chatterbox. The Sect Master of the Tianwu Sect had turned into a shota because he stole pills.

Was his admiration and fantasy for powerful experts meant to be shattered? This world felt so surreal.

********

Author’s Notes

[Little Theater Skit 1]

Tianwu Sect Master: Mwahaha, This Lord has come again!! Mmm, delicious! The color of this pill is nice, but the taste isn’t quite right. This bottle of pills tastes good, and the effect is not bad either. I’ll leave a small note for the Hunyuan Sect and tell them they need to improve a bit!
Hunyuan Sect Elder: Damn it! That bastard from the Tianwu Sect is here again! Sect Master, what should we do?!
Hunyuan Sect Master: It’s fine. If he likes to eat them, just refine some more for him. (evil smirk)
Tianwu Sect Master: Mwahaha, This Lord has come again!! Eh, there’s a little note? ‘Thank you for your valuable feedback. A bottle of pills is enclosed as a thank-you gift.’ Tsk tsk, those old guys aren’t so bad. Mmm, tasty… Huh? Why do I feel like the house has gotten bigger?

[Little Theater Skit 2 – Breaking the Fourth Wall]

Tianwu Sect Master: Wait a minute, Author-kun,¹² what nonsense are you writing?? How could This Lord be so stupid!! How could This Lord possibly fall for such an obvious trap?
Me (the Author): Uh… okay… there was no little note, just a pile of pills. But, does the result change?
Tianwu Sect Master (Shota form): …………………………

********

Dear readers, if you would like to leave a tip, you can donate to my Ko-Fi. Thank you very much! I really appreciate it.

Reika’s Notes:

• This text was translated by Kotori Translates, and given to BC Novels to publish.
• I helped with the footnotes, formatting, grammar, etc., the usual stuff that is needed to post this on the website.
• Please let me know if there are any errors. Thanks for reading!

Previous Chapter      Table of Contents      Next Chapter

1. 兰凛 – This is a name, not a surname like Bai Li. He might have been giving his surname first and then his given name.
2. 走后门 – A very common idiom for using personal connections or pulling strings to get something done, bypassing the official procedures.
3. 萨比 – A deliberate, cutesy misspelling of the curse word 傻逼, which means “stupid cnt” or “fcking idiot.” Writing it this way softens the blow and is a common internet practice.
4. 珍珠当鱼目 – A saying that means to mistake a treasure for something worthless; to fail to recognize value.
5. 双修 – A common concept in cultivation novels where two people cultivate together, often through sex, to rapidly increase their power.
6. 元阳 –  Primordial Yang. In Daoist belief, this is the pure, untainted masculine life force energy that a man possesses from birth. It is believed to be lost through ejaculation, making a virgin a potent source of this energy for dual cultivation partners.
7. 来一发吗 – A vulgar internet slang phrase for “Want to have *censored*?”
8. 亲 –  A term of endearment popularized by the online marketplace Taobao’s customer service. It’s now used widely online and in real life as a casual, friendly form of address, similar to “honey” or “buddy.”
9. 正太 – Literally  “shota,” a Japanese term for a boy.
10. 本尊 – “This honored one” or “this lord.” A formal and often arrogant way for a powerful being (like a deity, demon lord, or sect master) to refer to themselves.
11. 人艰不拆啊魂淡 – A combination of two popular internet slang phrases. 人艰不拆 (“Life is hard, don’t expose it”) means “Don’t point out someone’s embarrassing secrets, life is already tough enough.” 魂淡 (“bastard”) is a cutesy way of cursing.
12. 作者君 – “Author-kun.” A common and affectionate way for readers (or in this case, a character) to address the author, borrowing the “-kun” honorific from Japanese.