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“Ahem.” As if feeling the scene had become too awkward, the little shota gave a cough and continued, “This Lord is the Peerless Heavenly Venerate! From this day forward, you are my third direct disciple!”1
Pei Bufan: This feels so casual. Is this how mighty beings accept disciples? = =2
“Second Son, take Third Son to familiarize himself with the surroundings. Get his Jade Slip3 and everything sorted out. I am going back into seclusion. Don’t look for me before the Grand Competition unless it’s important!” The shota, with a miserable look on his face, climbed down from the seat, turned, and scurried away with a pat-pat-pat sound.
…
…This ‘Second Son’ and ‘Third Son’ aren’t what I think they are, right? = =4
“Alright, let’s go, Third Son.” Lan Lin stood up, grabbed Pei Bufan by the scruff of his neck, and tossed him onto his back. He then ran down the snowy mountain with him, transformed into his human form at the base, and led Pei Bufan into the sect’s interior.
So the only weirdo who lives on the snowy peak is the damn Sect Master!! Pei Bufan, who never paid attention to details when he was writing, was shocked.
“Master’s personality is a bit strange, don’t mind him,” Lan Lin said with a yawn. “We don’t see him often. He’s basically just a powerful figurehead. The one who really teaches us is Eldest Martial Brother.”5
Pei Bufan: This feels very unreliable.
“Although Eldest Martial Brother is a demonic cultivator, he’s very smart and knowledgeable. He’s also very clear on the cultivation principles for demon cultivators.” Lan Lin pointed to a very tall building up ahead. “We’re here. That’s where Eldest Martial Brother lives.”
With a creak, the large doors were pushed open, and the scent of orchids wafted out to meet them.
“Eldest Martial Brother!!! I’ve brought the new Junior Martial Brother!6 Are you here??”
The moment his voice fell, a series of creaking sounds could be heard, and a blocky wooden puppet swayed over. “Are… you… looking… creak… for me? I was… creak… collecting… creak… beep beep…” The puppet’s head suddenly began to spin rapidly, and then it exploded.
Lan Lin quickly pulled Pei Bufan back a step, just barely managing to avoid getting hurt.
“What is that?” Pei Bufan’s eyes widened. It looked like something from the Shaolin wooden dummy training hall.
“It’s probably something Eldest Martial Brother made again. I told you he dabbles in a wide range of things,” Lan Lin said, shrugging helplessly. “Pill refining, artifact forging, talismans, formations, sword techniques, fist techniques… he knows it all. It’s just a shame he’s always making a mess of strange things.”
“They’re not strange things,” a voice came from behind them. “This is my latest invention, you know~” A man dressed in a silver-white robe, fanning himself to look cool7 in the middle of the icy and snowy landscape, walked in.
“Eldest Martial Brother?” Lan Lin sighed. “Throw this pile of junk away.”
“Throw what away! I spent quite a few Spirit Stones to make this.” The man rushed in front of Lan Lin to block him. “If I take it apart, maybe some of it can still be used.”
Pei Bufan: …What a weirdo!
“Forget about your broken junk. I’ve brought our new Junior Martial Brother, Pei Bufan. From now on, you’ll be teaching him cultivation techniques.” Lan Lin pushed Pei Bufan in front of Eldest Martial Brother.
“Oh oh, so Junior Martial Brother is a demon cultivator?” Eldest Martial Brother crouched down and replied casually, tearing open the back of the wooden puppet and pulling out a jumble of things from inside. “What species?”
“…Nether Cat.”
Eldest Martial Brother was so startled he almost threw the wooden puppet away. He stared at Pei Bufan with wide eyes. “Wh-what did you say?”
“Nether Cat.” Pei Bufan suddenly felt a little bit of pride, and a faint sense of melancholy. It was only after he had gone from being human to not-human that he had started to be sought after.
Eldest Martial Brother cleaned out his ear and looked at Lan Lin.
Lan Lin nodded and shrugged.
Eldest Martial Brother suddenly became excited. He stood up and grabbed Pei Bufan’s hands, his face blushing like a young boy making a confession. “My name is Ouyang Cen, you can call me Eldest Martial Brother! Junior Martial Brother, could you please give me… a little bit of your blood?”
Pei Bufan was instantly dumbfounded.
He thought he was about to be confessed to…
He got his hopes up for nothing.
“It’s my first time seeing a divine beast!” Ouyang Cen said excitedly. “I want to study it.”
Pei Bufan looked back at Lan Lin, who shrugged. “Although we’re kinsmen, Nine-Tailed Cats are considered immortal beasts. There’s still a little bit of a gap between us and the legendary divine beasts.”
Suddenly, he felt a sharp sting on his arm. He turned his head and saw Ouyang Cen holding his arm with his left hand, while his right hand, at some unknown point, was holding a small knife. He had quietly made a thin cut on Pei Bufan’s hand, and a bead of blood dripped down from the broken skin.
“Hey!” Lan Lin grabbed Pei Bufan and pulled him back. “You’re way too careless, you only noticed after it started to hurt. A cultivator’s blood is very important, you can’t just give it away.”
Eldest Martial Brother looked at Lan Lin. It’s just a little bit, why are you being so stingy! I’m not a bad person. His resentful little gaze was just short of him biting a handkerchief and whimpering.8
“Alright, Eldest Martial Brother got his drop of blood, so please help him record his Jade Slip. I’ll take Junior Martial Brother for a tour.” With that, he grabbed Pei Bufan and fled as if on wings.
The cultivators of the major sects, the longer they lived and the higher their cultivation, the weirder they became…
Pei Bufan was beginning to understand the meaning of this sentence more and more. He didn’t know about the others, but at least… Pei Bufan glanced at his mission panel. The ‘Join a Sect’ mission was complete.
There was still another mission.
“Sec… Second Martial Brother?”
“Hm?” Lan Lin, who was cheerfully explaining the various scenic spots of the Tianwu Sect, stopped and looked at Pei Bufan.
“How do you ‘press’ a man who is stronger than you?!” Pei Bufan stared at Lan Lin, his little tail standing up straight with excitement.
“Eh?” Lan Lin was stunned for a moment before he realized what Pei Bufan was talking about, and he laughed so hard he couldn’t stand up straight. “You want to ‘press’ someone? You want to ‘press’ someone?? It’s not that I’m looking down on you, Little Third, but with that body of yours? The one you want to press is that man who brought you here, right? You’re going to press him? Pfft!”
“What’s so funny!!” Pei Bufan’s fur stood on end.9 I’m very much a top,10 okay?!
“With your height~~” Lan Lin patted Pei Bufan on the head, then moved his hand horizontally to the level of his own chin.
I’m being looked down on, wocao!!
This Lord will grow taller, I’m telling you!!
“Just tell me what to do.”
“Tsk tsk, I really didn’t expect~~ Although I said I wouldn’t fight you for him, with the way you look right now~~” Seeing that all of Pei Bufan’s fur was standing on end, Lan Lin shrugged and stopped poking his sore spot. He took out a paper packet and a small bottle from his clothes and gave them to Pei Bufan. “The paper packet contains an intoxicating incense. Put it in an incense burner. As long as someone smells it continuously for more than an hour, their whole body will become weak and you can do whatever you want with them. The porcelain bottle contains an aphrodisiac.11 Feed it to him and he’ll be consumed by a fire of [BEEP]. Pfft~~ I’m rooting for you~~”
Pei Bufan took the items, feeling that a brilliant tomorrow was waving at him. He waved his paw at Lan Lin and quickly ran off.
Lan Lin squinted at Pei Bufan’s retreating back. He’s running so fast, what’s the hurry? Does he not know that since his original body hasn’t reached maturity, he still can’t get it up even if he shapeshifts into a teenager? If he wants to do it, he can only be the one on the bottom; he can’t get hard on his own.
But I’m lucky, I’ll be an adult in a few more decades. Lan Lin’s lips curved into a smile. He would soon be able to be the one on top for once~~
Let’s not mention for now that when Pei Bufan later learned of this tragic fact, he was so angry he coughed up several mouthfuls of blood.
Who’s to blame that the more badass the bloodline and the longer the lifespan, the longer the beast needs to mature?
Even if he wanted to flip over and become a top, he’d still have to wait a few hundred years.
You were screwed over by the system from the very beginning, dear!
Did you know that Ziche Duanyuan is the real favorite son?12
Lighting a candle for you.13
The foolish Pei Bufan put the two items away and cautiously crept back into the room. As expected, the male lead was still meditating. Only now, the aura around him was more restrained. It looked like he had already reached the peak of the Foundation Building stage, and forming his Golden Core was just around the corner.
In his original form, Pei Bufan curled into a ball and lay down not far from the male lead, guarding him silently. If it weren’t for the rule that you couldn’t touch someone while they were meditating, Pei Bufan would have pounced on him long ago.
He wasn’t like Ziche Duanyuan; he had integrity! If he did it, he would definitely take responsibility to the very end!!
Besides, the male lead was handsome and had great fortune. This was a thick thigh worth hugging!
The mission time limit was three days. The question now was, when would be a good time to drug the male lead?
********
Author’s Note:
[Little Theater Skit]
Topic: The setting that a divine beast has to wait several hundred years to reach adulthood, and only after adulthood can he get it up on his own!
Isn’t it great?
Pei Bufan: Great, your sister!! Damn it, I thought being a divine beast was my golden finger,14 but this is the f*cking male lead’s golden finger, isn’t it!! Does this mean I’m impotent before I reach adulthood?? Author-kun, come out and explain yourself!
Me (the Author): Of course you’re not impotent. You can get it up!!
Pei Bufan: Really?
Me (the Author): Yup, really. As long as a certain point in your body is stimulated, you can get it up.
Pei Bufan: Damn it! Is there a difference?
Me (the Author): Trust me, it’s a fundamental difference. It determines whether you’re just not yet an adult or… naturally unable…
Pei Bufan: =皿=凸15
********
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Reika’s Notes:
- This text was translated by Kotori Translates, and given to BC Novels to publish.
- I helped with the footnotes, formatting, grammar, etc., the usual stuff that is needed to post this on the website.
- Please let me know if there are any errors. Thanks for reading!
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- 亲传弟子: Direct disciple or personal disciple. A disciple who is taught personally by a master, as opposed to an ordinary disciple of a sect.
- = =: An emoticon representing a deadpan, unamused, or speechless expression.
- 玉蝶: Jade Slip. A piece of jade used in cultivation worlds to store information, similar to a USB drive. In this context, it seems to be used as an identification or registration item for the sect.
- Not entirely sure about this one. 二儿 (Èr’ér) and 三儿 (Sān’ér). While these nicknames literally mean “Second Son” and “Third Son,” which is how the Sect Master is using them to rank his disciples, the protagonist is reacting to a modern slang meaning. In Chinese internet and colloquial slang, the number two, 二 (èr), is a very common term for “stupid,” “foolish,” or “idiotic.” Therefore, Pei Bufan’s modern brain immediately hears “二儿” not as the respectable “Second Son,” but as something akin to “Stupid Son” or “Dumbass Son.” This makes him deeply uncomfortable and question what his own nickname, “Third Son,” implies in this absurd context.
- 大师兄: Eldest Martial Brother. A respectful title for the most senior male disciple under a master.
- 小师弟: Little Junior Martial Brother. A term for a male disciple who joined the sect later than oneself.
- 装B: To act cool, to show off, or to be pretentious. The ‘B’ comes from a character (逼) which can be vulgar, but the term itself is very common slang.
- 咬小手绢嘤嘤婴: A meme-like image in Chinese internet culture depicting an overly dramatic, wronged, or cutesy character biting a handkerchief and crying softly (“ying ying ying”).
- 炸毛: To get angry or agitated, like a cat whose fur puffs up.
- 攻: “Gong” or “seme.” BL slang for the dominant/”top” partner in a relationship.
- 哔药: “Beep” medicine. The character “哔” is used as a censor bleep, so this is a censored way of writing 春药 (chūnyào), which means aphrodisiac.
- 亲儿子: “Biological son” or “favorite son.” A term used in gaming and fiction to describe a character who is clearly favored by the creators/author, receiving all the best abilities, plot armor, and luck.
- 点蜡: To light a candle. Internet slang for mourning or paying respects, often used humorously for someone in a pitiful or hopeless situation.
- 金手指: “Golden finger.” A very common term in Chinese webnovels for a protagonist’s special cheat, unique ability, or overpowered advantage (like a system, a special item, or secret knowledge).
- An emoticon combining an angry face with a middle finger. The =皿= part represents bared teeth in anger, and the 凸 is a pictogram for flipping someone off.